Elf Required

Dear Santa,

This year’s list:

Elf (1)

End of list.

You can’t be surprised. Legos and toy cities only last a boy so long – and Santa, I’ve grown up. They expended themselves a long time ago. I think I deserve a more mature Christmas this year.

I want something that can kick. SomeONE who can speak, shout, cry. I want something alive, Santa. Not a hamster like last year – that was a mean thing to pull. When I stomp my foot down, I want someone whose bones will shake in their skin. When I get up in the middle of the night, and stomp over to the dresser, I want someone looking up at me, down between my thighs. I want to be looked at when I touch myself – better, I want someone to touch me. And if they aren’t working out, I want to take them up in one hand and correct them. I can squeeze HARD, Santa – get me? I can squeeze him like putty.